Hug for the Future!

I thought that I should post on how fantastic hugs are. Whether we’re talking about the first hug with a beautiful girl, a friendly hug with a person you’ve just met, or the aggressively-overjoyed bro-hug, the physical contact with another living being, whether sensual, affectionate, or brotherly is a wonderful display of connectivity with your fellow humans. I have decided that, in order to support world-wide hugging, I should illustrate the more common types of hugs, along with the appropriate situations in which to use them. These have all been tested by me, so if they don’t work for you, you are obviously just not as sexy as I am.

• · The “Beautiful Girl Hug” (Primarily for use by Guys and Lesbians) This is a very, very useful hug. Let’s set the scene: You’re at a festival. You see a beautiful girl (this is key), so you try to impress her by acting sexy, which fails, so instead you go and actually talk to her. About something interesting. Assuming she doesn’t kick you in the teeth in the first eighteen seconds of speech, this shouldn’t be too hard if she’s at all interested. Next, after talking for 20 minutes to an hour, stand up purposefully (she probably will too), brush off your shirt (if you’re wearing one—this may work better if you wax your luscious pectoral muscles instead) say that you have to go and that it was wonderful talking to her, and then—here’s the kicker—give her a friendly hug goodbye. Arms completely around her, high on her back, and make sure that the hug says “I appreciate what you’ve said to me” or “thank you for listening” and not “I need to get in your pants. Now.” Of course you must then actually go. If she follows, that’s fine. If she doesn’t, find her again after ten minutes away and repeat the hugging at the end of the day. If you can’t figure it out from here, you probably don’t deserve her. NOTE TO HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN: This probably works on most guys too, but I think that they may be afraid to do it. I suggest you practice on sexy, sensitive guys, such as myself.

• · The “Bro Hug” This hug, as the name implies, is for bros. This hug really depends on who your bros are. If you hang out with a bunch of muscled suburban gangstas, you should stride purposefully towards the other participant, with a look of overjoyed and affectionate determination in your eyes. When you are within three feet of the other hugger, raise your arm as if you are challenging him to an air arm-wrestling match. He must do the same. However, when your hands can touch each other (i.e. about 1.5 feet away from each other), grab each others hands and pull them towards you forcibly, knocking into the second hugger, your clasped hands between your chests, left arms patting each other on the back. This hug works best if it is kept relatively brief, and if you have just consumed four or five energy drinks. However, if your bros are more sensitive art-school hippies, or just not poseurs, you are perfectly okay using the following hug on them.

• The “Loving Friendship” Hug (For Anyone) There comes a time in everyone’s life where they just need that Hug Of Friendship, a sensitive affirmation of your existence and importance, no matter how false it is on the other persons part. Sometimes it’s better to lie, because really, unless you’re the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Bill Gates, or Shakespeare, you aren’t really important. This hug is similar in style to the first hug described in this article, but without the flirtatious intent and briefer. Pretty standard, arms across the opposite’s person’s back, chin over their shoulder, then squeeze and release.

• · And finally, the “I Hate You” Hug (For Enemies) This is actually a very important hug, for it sends as clear a message as the Beautiful Girl hug, just a very different one. First you need an enemy. I think a pretty popular one is Hitler, so let’s use him. First, you get past Hitler’s bodyguards by convincing them that you just want to hug him (which is true, wink wink). You then approach Hitler, open your arms wide, and slam them in an enthusiastic embrace around his neck. Squeeze as hard as you possibly can, but make it seem as if you are just very enthusiastic, rather than obviously trying to injure your victim participant. However, you aren’t likely to ever use this hug, because (a) Hitler is dead and (b) Why would you want to hug someone you hate?

Please use this guide for the good of mankind, and remember—hugs are the currency of the future!

P.S. You can check out the Free Hugs Campaign if you are a loving person!

For the MotherLAN!

I participated in a RAG (Random Act of Geekiness) this week. While attending an open house at my school, I was somehow pulled into the cult-like gathering that is a LAN party. Now, I’m still not exactly sure what that stands for, but I think it involves lizards.
Upon arriving at the Party, located approximately 218.034 miles from anything, I entered the garage, and was greeted by the sight of many geeks, faces illuminated with the alien blue glow of flickering monitors, and the sound of crumpling chip bags, the swallowing of Mountain Dew (I’m pretty sure that the only reason Mountain Dew is still made is because of LAN parties and Dungeons & Dragons--it’s like geek fuel. They seriously have a flavor called “Game Fuel“), and shouts of “Pwnd!” “You’re gay!” “Your mom’s gay!”. Such is the maturity of socialization-starved geeks. To think that I was the youngest person there.
Now, don’t get me wrong--I had a great time at the party. It’s just that there were some very disturbing demonstrations of geekdom, bordering on “What the FUCK?!”. For example, right before I got there, a dude got married at the party. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were a woman, and my fiancé wanted to get married at a LAN party, I would immediately starngle him with his own keyboard (unless it was wireless. Then I'd use a crossover cable or something) and run away with a male model from Paraguay. This may be part of the reason I am not a woman.
Now, for the level geek I am, two full days of gaming is a LOT. So, thankfully, we took breaks to participate in such wholesome outdoor activities such as Airsoft, in which you hide in a shed and shoot people around you with small plastic pellets, and LAC-ing (I put it in capitals because I think it stands for Live Action Combat), where you take sticks coated with foam and duct tape, a bash each other with them. That was pretty fun. Testosterone + Foam Covered Sticks = Awesome.
So when Monday evening came, and it was time for me to go, I couldn’t help feeling a little sad--as I thought about the last few days, a wave of memories washed over me…my first sip of Mountain Dew “Game Fuel” , my first Airsoft bullet to the ear, my first multiplayer round of Counter-Strike, and my first feeling of amazement upon seeing the garage full of homophobic dorks. I turned to wave goodbye, but my arm hurt too much from being walloped with a foam sword by a zombie.

Music Torture: This Has to Stop.

I first read about this in Spin magazine. An innocent Cuban civilian was taken to Guantanamo and chained to the floor of a metal room, while music such as Britney Spears, Drowning Pool, and Rage Against the Machine. While Rage has taken action and sent multiple cease-and-desist letters to the government, Drowning Pool fully supports the torture, saying that if their music can be used to stop terrorists, the government has their full support.
Now, this isn't like really, really bad music is pumped through the speakers for an hour or two. This is ALL music, from excellent to horrible, bursting through the speakers at such force that it makes your skin want to make a knife out of your teeth and stab your ears out. Anf it isn't for a few hours, it's for 6, 7, 8 hours at a time.
The Cuban man was found to be innocent, years later.


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Vermont Movement Grows To Secede From the USA

"Vermont was once an independent republic, and it can be one again. We think the time to make that happen is now. Over the past 50 years, the U.S. government has grown too big, too corrupt and too aggressive toward the world"



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Celebrate Pi Day! : 3.141592653589...

It's Pi Day! At the simplest level π is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter, and at its most complex, it is an irrational number that has an apparently random decimal string of infinite length. By accessing its infinity are we somehow peeking under the hood of reality?



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Diggnation Quotes

Once upon a time, there was a podcast called "Diggnation". Actually, there still is, but it sounds better past-tense.
Anyways, Kevin and Alex, the hosts of this fine show, sometimes say some pretty *bleeped*-up things.
Around the same time, there was a bored dude who thought it'd be awesome to collect the most *bleeped*-up things and put them, all together, on his blog. Here is the result:

KEVIN: "So it's a snowflake, magnified to 300 U-M..."
ALEX: "What?"
KEVIN: "Umm"
--On a snowflake. Magnified.

"Ah! It looks like a Tie Fighter! That's what's so weird about it!"
--Kevin, on the aforementioned snowflake.

"You've got this...stuff. And if you look at it really hard, it looks like other stuff, which is fucked up."
--Alex, on drunk guys explaining science.

"KEVIN! You went around polling women?? That's horrible!"
--Alex, on Kevin polling women on the color of his couch.

"If somebody steals my fingers, more power to you."
--Kevin, on stealing fingerprints

"They stole your fingers, sir."
--Kevin, see above.

"This isn't like 'I stole your fingers and downloaded a bootleg copy of Office'. This is, 'I stole your fingers, raped four children, killed a bus driver, and went crazy in downtown Manhattan'".
--Alex, see above

"Uhhh.....We got beers."
--Alex, after Kevin introduced himself and he was supposed to be doing the same

"It tastes like Santa Claus!"
--Kevin, on beer

"Unnh! It's fighting its way back from extinction! This beer....made the bison extinct"
--Alex, on beer

"Moon sex! Dude, chicks on the moon!"
--Alex, repeating a random dude in the audience

"New years was good. Actually, kinda lame"
--Kevin

"Like a....velvet. There's something velvety about it. That doesn't make sense, but velvety"
--Alex, on a Belgian beer

ALEX: "I have a little bruise on my cheek--"
KEVIN: "You fall?"
ALEX: "No, ah, shotgun"
KEVIN: "Ah"
--Totally seriously

KEVIN: "It's so funny to meet these hard-core Diggers, because they do totally different things then you expect.....for, like, a living."
ALEX" "Oh! I though you meant they'd come up to you and go 'Hggeegafaaka!', and you're like 'Woah, that's totally not what I expected you to do, I expected you to just come up and say 'Hi, I'm Digital Gopher.'."

"Well, then she should be Miss...Universe of the...Women....suckers"
--Alex, on Miss Nevada scandal.

ALEX: "I tell, you, it was the photos"
KEVIN: "Well, she was wearing a G-string in that one..."
ALEX "Or, um, no shirt in the other one"
See above

"The Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."
--Alex, trying to say "The Fog"

ALEX: "Dude, you ever been invited to one of those--"
KEVIN: "Ah, one of those houses?"
--Alex was trying to say "to one of those pyramid scams"

"Yeah, but geeks like black, it's all dark and...sad"
--Kevin, on shirts

"It's like some one's borrowing your clothes...but you can't touch them"
--Kevin, on models wearing Diggnation shirts

"You don't see, like, twelve-year-old boys and are like 'I should be able to touch that boy!'"
--Alex, see above

"The funny thing is, even though it's pseudo-erotic, I have to try it. And by "pseudo-erotic" I mean: God I wish it wasn't as erotic as it is."
--Alex, on Kevin rubbing himself with ice cubes.

KEVIN: "There was a lot of 'synergy' and 'diversidation of platforms' and 'cross-browser computing'..."
ALEX: "That's some crazy shit, that's some camping shit"
--On Foo-Camp

ALEX: "I was sort of an anxious child..."
KEVIN: "ADD?"
ALEX: "No, just...D. I was deficient"

KEVIN: "She's got one of those sexy English accents..."
ALEX: "What, like [cockney accent] ' 'ELLO GOV'NAH!!'?
KEVIN: "No!"
ALEX "...Or, like [sophisticated English accent] " 'ello Kevin'?"


ALEX: "I love Dr. Phil"
KEVIN: "Dude! Dr. Phil's gay!"
ALEX: "Well, yeah. That's why I love him"
KEVIN: "(pause) Fair enough"

"I could have a browser built off of FireFox. It'd be called 'AleFox"
--Alex, on Netscape

KEVIN: "We played this game called 'Werewolf'"
ALEX: "I don't wanna know"

KEVIN: "No, this is a terrible idea!"
ALEX: "I know, but I only have a few good ones..."
--On stalking Paris Hilton for publicity

ALEX: "Kevin drew male genitalia, because that's who he is"
KEVIN "No! I drew two little wells to--"
ALEX "No, you did not draw two wells! If you had drawn two wells you wouldn't have been like [high voice] 'Hee hee! Look! Two wells!"

"Camping equals fish!!"
--Alex, on Kevin going "camping"

"Well, you can tell she's wearing a bikini bottom. Well, either that or it's Amazon.com down there."
--Kevin, on a topless sunbather caught on Google Earth

"That's how I roll baby. What are we talking about?"
--Alex

"They don't have anything to do so they make wooden things. I mean, I understand the art of, uh, of...being a...woodmaker...and...."
--Kevin, explaining craft fairs


KEVIN: "You know, it's one of those bars where there are nuts all over the place'
ALEX: "I believe that's called a gay bar."
--On a pirate bar

"How are you straight?"
--Alex, on Kevin (In a moderately good way)

Added March 27th 2007


"Blaa! That walking table looks into my soul."
--Alex, on a walking table.

"You've pretty much got a map of the whole United States."
--Kevin. This is only funny when you realize that the displayed map is of Eastern Asia.

"'Cuz sometimes when you're flying to Newark, you wonder...'When is sex time? And then the lights get all purpley and you're like, 'Ooh! Sorry Sir, it's sex time, and we should do something.' "
--Alex, on planes

"This is a 90% guy-watching show."
--Alex

"Prager, mansteak that shit."
--Kevin, on steaks.

"She's tackling you with her cock. That's not football, that's....Fun-ball."
--Alex, on dogs

"Penis is clinical."
--Kevin, agreeing with Alex.

"I might take it in the ass to be spunk-free for 20 months."
--Alex, on...male contraceptives

"Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod Vaskhod."
--Both of 'em.

"It looks like the Enchanted forest with missing trees."
--Kevin, on his stubble

"Like, you throw a bucket of matches and they're like 'Uh, 72', and you're like 'I didn't--could you just pick 'em up?' "
--Alex, on Autistic people

KEVIN: "But who says it's going to mutate?"
ALEX: "I dunno...Jesus."
--On Avian Flu

" 'Stay away from the airports, it's killing people'...but it was really just killing old people."
--Kevin, on SARS

ALEX: "What's that?"
KEVIN: "Don't worry,it's just vegetables"
ALEX: [laughs]
KEVIN: "Don't worry! You've never been to a vegetable site? You've never been to a fucking vegetable site?"
ALEX: "No!"
KEVIN: "Fuck you!"

"Mila's got those pouty lips, like bees stung the shit out of her for an hour."
--Kevin, on Mila Jobovich

"Puzzle lingere?"
--Alex, on Kevin's fantasies.

ALEX: "You only went to the museum because you were high and wanted a hot dog."
KEVIN: "They have great hot dogs."
--On Amsterdam

KEVIN: "He has two lovely ladies..."
ALEX: "Hellooo, lovely ladies"
KEVIN: "I will take the one on the right..."
ALEX: "I will take...that one as well..."

KEVIN: "Next storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. That was weird."
ALEX: "I thought you were calling your Inuit friends."

"There's penis' raining?"
--Kevin, on Second Life

KEVIN: "We've never done that, it's a lot of..."
JOEY: "It's a lot of work, fucker!"
ALEX: "A lot of work, it's a lot of penis!"

ALEX: "Yeah, well, onlykingsaredead."
KEVIN: "Only kings are dead?"
ALEX: "Yes Kevin, that's exactly what I said. It's a slang phrase 'Ah, well, only kings are dead.'"
--I think he was trying to say 'Only kids are doing it'.

"Why are they...it's only a game. There should be voting rights in Quetzlcoatl or something."
--Alex, on Second Life (Quetzlcoatl 's a god)

"Please tell me...what a traffic camera's purpose in life is."
--Kevin

"You can't tell my kid not to say a word, because saying a word is why we live in America."
--Alex

ALEX: "White pizza is like...it's...ah...fuck. What is white pizza?"
...
KEVIN: "White pizza is like, uh....fuck, I can't even..."
--Extolling the virtues of white pizza

"We don't...talk about white pizza."
--Kevin, on Alex looking up recipes.

"Mushrooms? Fuck mushrooms, these people are idiots."
--Alex, on white pizza.

KEVIN: "Have you ever been woken up by your girlfriend--that's amazing!"
ALEX: "Speaking of which I have something to show you after the show."

"It's like...one, two, pick up my shoe!"
--Alex, on...HD DVD porn.

I hope you check out the show and enjoy