I thought that I should post on how fantastic hugs are. Whether we’re talking about the first hug with a beautiful girl, a friendly hug with a person you’ve just met, or the aggressively-overjoyed bro-hug, the physical contact with another living being, whether sensual, affectionate, or brotherly is a wonderful display of connectivity with your fellow humans. I have decided that, in order to support world-wide hugging, I should illustrate the more common types of hugs, along with the appropriate situations in which to use them. These have all been tested by me, so if they don’t work for you, you are obviously just not as sexy as I am.
- · The “Beautiful Girl Hug” (Primarily for use by Guys and Lesbians) This is a very, very useful hug. Let’s set the scene: You’re at a festival. You see a beautiful girl (this is key), so you try to impress her by acting sexy, which fails, so instead you go and actually talk to her. About something interesting. Assuming she doesn’t kick you in the teeth in the first eighteen seconds of speech, this shouldn’t be too hard if she’s at all interested. Next, after talking for 20 minutes to an hour, stand up purposefully (she probably will too), brush off your shirt (if you’re wearing one—this may work better if you wax your luscious pectoral muscles instead) say that you have to go and that it was wonderful talking to her, and then—here’s the kicker—give her a friendly hug goodbye. Arms completely around her, high on her back, and make sure that the hug says “I appreciate what you’ve said to me” or “thank you for listening” and not “I need to get in your pants. Now.” Of course you must then actually go. If she follows, that’s fine. If she doesn’t, find her again after ten minutes away and repeat the hugging at the end of the day. If you can’t figure it out from here, you probably don’t deserve her. NOTE TO HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN: This probably works on most guys too, but I think that they may be afraid to do it. I suggest you practice on sexy, sensitive guys, such as myself.
- · The “Bro Hug” This hug, as the name implies, is for bros. This hug really depends on who your bros are. If you hang out with a bunch of muscled suburban gangstas, you should stride purposefully towards the other participant, with a look of overjoyed and affectionate determination in your eyes. When you are within three feet of the other hugger, raise your arm as if you are challenging him to an air arm-wrestling match. He must do the same. However, when your hands can touch each other (i.e. about 1.5 feet away from each other), grab each others hands and pull them towards you forcibly, knocking into the second hugger, your clasped hands between your chests, left arms patting each other on the back. This hug works best if it is kept relatively brief, and if you have just consumed four or five energy drinks. However, if your bros are more sensitive art-school hippies, or just not poseurs, you are perfectly okay using the following hug on them.
- The “Loving Friendship” Hug (For Anyone) There comes a time in everyone’s life where they just need that Hug Of Friendship, a sensitive affirmation of your existence and importance, no matter how false it is on the other persons part. Sometimes it’s better to lie, because really, unless you’re the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Bill Gates, or Shakespeare, you aren’t really important. This hug is similar in style to the first hug described in this article, but without the flirtatious intent and briefer. Pretty standard, arms across the opposite’s person’s back, chin over their shoulder, then squeeze and release.
- · And finally, the “I Hate You” Hug (For Enemies) This is actually a very important hug, for it sends as clear a message as the Beautiful Girl hug, just a very different one. First you need an enemy. I think a pretty popular one is Hitler, so let’s use him. First, you get past Hitler’s bodyguards by convincing them that you just want to hug him (which is true, wink wink). You then approach Hitler, open your arms wide, and slam them in an enthusiastic embrace around his neck. Squeeze as hard as you possibly can, but make it seem as if you are just very enthusiastic, rather than obviously trying to injure your
victimparticipant. However, you aren’t likely to ever use this hug, because (a) Hitler is dead and (b) Why would you want to hug someone you hate?
Please use this guide for the good of mankind, and remember—hugs are the currency of the future!
P.S. You can check out the Free Hugs Campaign if you are a loving person!
